You may be thinking, what happened to our relationship, the happiness you once felt has disappeared. The times of going out together were filled with euphoria, now there is no desire to even spend time with our ‘loved’ one. Has the happiness has been replaced with hurt, resentment and rejection from repeated battles with your partner.
This is a common presenting issue in Relationship Counselling. Partners find they are repeating arguments over and over using the same negative cycle. Kallos-Lilly and Fitzgerald (2015) describe three different cycles that can lead to relationship breakdown. The first is the Protest-Withdraw to Keep Together cycle, the second is Be loud to be Heard and the third is Avoid Conflict at any Cost.
- Protest – Withdraw to Keep Together cycle is when one partner pursues to make a connection, the other initially engages but soon withdraws, then shuts down to avoid an argument, they fear losing connection, and end up feeling resentment.
- Be loud to be Heard cycle – This is when two partners are harsh with their interactions, anger is expressed quickly. They are either demanding, complaining or criticising.
- Avoid Conflict at any Cost cycle – When partners withdraw physically and/or emotionally. This leads to unmet needs, frustration and an emptiness in their connection.
Negative cycles have the potential to leave you feeling sad, hurt, frustrated, isolated, abandoned and unloved. The first step to interrupting the cycle is to recognize what the negative cycle you and your partner are in. This gives motivated couples a chance to replace it with a more positive cycle. Kallos – Lilly and Fitzgerald have compiled a workbook for couples to be used either individually or with a skilled therapist to help identify and work with the differing cycles. Couples therapy is often beneficial to slow the communication down so as to identify the cycle and develop strategies to enhance a more positive connection between partners.
References
Kallos – Lilly, V. and Fitzgerald, J (2015). An emotionally focused workbook for couples: The two of us. Routledge: NY.