As a relationship counsellor, one of the first things I ask is what has brought the couple into counselling. The majority of couples say, we want to improve our communication. What does that mean? Often the couple communicate very well, they just don’t like what each other is saying.
Verbal communication is important, but remember body language communication can also send intense messages. The open body stance, relaxed hands, leaning forward, soft eyes, relaxed jaw, sends the message of respect and interest. Whereas the roll of eyes, turning away, clenched muscles, crossed arms can send a message of disgust and rejection.
So, what is ‘good’ communication.
Emotional connection is enhanced, when each individual in the couple relationship is able to communicate their needs and feelings in an assertive, respectful manner. When partners demonstrate the ability to listen, really listen, there is growth in the couple relationship. This eliminates mind reading and incorrectly interpreting your partner responses thus the subsequent attacking and / or being defensive.
So how does this work?
+ Be aware of your own body language
+ Being able to express yourself with “I” statements, rather than pulling your partner down with “You” statements is a great start.
+ Adding explanation to what you are expressing, helps your partner understand your world a little more. An example would be “I would prefer to live in suburbia rather than the rural area, so that I do not have so far to travel to work as I get so tired.”
+ When the listener restates what has been said, a message is sent that you are engaged, you have respect for them, and a willingness to listen to their opinion, even if you disagree. When you feel heard, you are more likely to listen to the other’s opinion. An example of active listening would be “You are concerned that you will be exhausted travelling to work if we were to shift from suburbia to the country, is that correct?” This is just a simple statement, but it allows your partner to expand on how they are feeling and/or their needs. Placing you both in a situation where negotiation and compromise can be facilitated. The end result may not be as important as the process of communication that gets you there.